Loneliness is a virus that is inherited

How over the past 100 years the image of a single woman has changed? What are the reasons for loneliness are the most common? And how parents affect our personal life? The female coach Oksana Matveeva answers these and other questions.

What is you representing a lonely woman? Most likely, stereotypical thinking draws aunt – “blue stocking” with an extinct look. She walks in baggy clothes, on her head is some kind of careless bunch. She is absolutely not interested in men, like her, and there are always 40 affectionate cats around, so there is someone to take care of.

But times are changing, and self -sufficient women now look completely different than even 40 years ago.

Portrait of a lonely woman – waiting vs reality

The portrait of a modern single woman

has changed a lot compared to how it was 100 years ago.

If before lonely was the one who could not get married because of her low position in society, due to the fact that the parents could not gather the dowry, due to the fact that she did not meet the standards of beauty and upbringing or did not know how to put herself insociety, now very many single women are successful, beautiful, sexy, financially independent, having the opportunity to travel.

But still they are alone. Some are surrounded by fans who only in appearance strive for spiritual intimacy, but in fact they use them for sex. Women each time hope for something more, but after a series of disappointments and unjustified expectations cease to believe. Opening a person’s soul, they receive pain and separation in response and, as a result, they no longer want to anyone and open anything.

Some do not allow themselves to open even a man who sincerely wants to be near.

Others are alone, although they live in marriage. Such women sometimes also feel an absolute emptiness and social vacuum around them. About the proximity, trust, kinship of souls and even a sexual attraction to those with whom they have been nearby for many years is not about.

Lonely can be women who consciously avoid relationships with men. They achieved a lot in life, they, as a rule, have children from previous marriages and sometimes even a husband with whom neutral-friendly relations have been preserved.

Such women often do not want to communicate with men, because they do not see the point of wasting time if they have everything. They are able to provide their family, they have where and what to live for, they can afford to pay for dinner in a restaurant or buy a new dress and a handbag, as well as go on a trip at their own expense. So why should they burden themselves?

Regardless of age, position and situation for many single women, relations are not a pleasure, but a war, an attempt to establish themselves, feel significant and get a man’s love.

Why are they alone

Oddly enough, but often lonely women have too high self -esteem. They create an image of an ideal partner and make a list of actions for which he should be ready for their sake.

Such a woman loves herself a narcissistic. She admires and is proud of herself, expecting worship from others. At the same time, feedback from a man (what he is really ready and capable of her) is not interested in her: only the script that she came up with is true.

Yes, often men go to these conditions. Some are ready to close their eyes for a lot, if, in their opinion, the woman is young, attractive and sexy.

From older woman, sometimes expect more wisdom and maturity. We are talking about a higher status in society, successes and achievements: there are men who are important to be proud of their second half.

Another common cause of loneliness is the lack of communication skills. Such women do not try to understand that the other person has in their heads and how to build equal relations.

But in any partnership, regardless of gender, respect between people, the ability to compromise. A man or woman equally strives to ensure that their efforts, their feelings are recognized, and do not take it for granted. That is why the reluctance of one of the partners to understand the other inevitably leads to difficulties.

Some women do not believe that they can interest a man with their internal qualities, knowledge, horizons. They believe that the birth of a child will provide them with control over a partner. Or they think that sexuality will allow a man to manipulate – the more he wants, the more power has power over him. But such scenarios, as a rule, end in loneliness.

Originally from childhood

Having become adults, we use those models of behavior that we adopted from parents in childhood. We receive part of the attitudes from the explanation of how and in what situations we behave. But the most important lessons parents teach us their example.

Often the son chooses a wife, in nature, similar to mother. Moms demonstrate to their daughters what men need to love, and which ones should be avoided, what should be expected from them, and what is not worth it.

When you begin to understand the reason for the loneliness of a woman, it often turns out that she was brought up by a lonely mother or mother, who changed her lovers and never consisted in a serious relationship. In some cases, future loners grew in families where mother kept marriage only for the sake of children. And all that the girl saw is scandals, tears, beatings.

At the same time, her mother taught her what to endure, sacrifice herself, deny herself in everything, humiliate herself, apologize (even when right) and live with those whom you consider bad.

Another scenario – the mother, on the contrary, teaches her daughter that everything needs to be done to avoid such mistakes and not be with such a disgusting man like a father. But how to build a healthy relationship and how to choose the right husband, she does not explain, because she may not know herself.

As a result, the girl, growing up, either repeats the fate of the mother, or acts “from the nasty”. Makes unrealistic requirements, avoids proximity.

Models of maternal behavior

Do not forget the statement: “Do not raise a child – raise yourself, because your children will still be like you”. Our behavior affects how children will behave with others in the future, how happy they will be in the family or, conversely, unhappy.

If we talk about the relationship of women with men, then there are several destructive behaviors that are transmitted from mothers to daughters. Here are two of them.

The first model – a woman remains in the family for the sake of children and constantly sacrifices herself for their sake. She thinks that she makes how better, but in fact she only teaches to put the priority of the life of others, and not her own. The child creates an illusion that he has a strong family. But in reality, she only seems like this: parents pretend that they are in love, respect each other and this is their conscious choice to be together.

The family is held from hopelessness, because there is nowhere else to go and no one. Mother shows that you need not to be, but to seem. She teaches to hide her emotions, to be dependent on others, to deny herself in her own desires and prioritize strangers. Daughter seems that the mother is not capable of anything, that she is not a person or even a person, but rather an appendage to her husband and children.

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